“Mortal Kombat has always had a strong relationship with music. Most importantly, it’s had the great honor of being a vehicle to introduce new music genres to its fans.”
-Hector Sanchez
Producer, Nether Realm Studios.
Radio Control Plan was privileged enough to have an interview with Shao Kahn in the Outworld. It was up to me to conduct it and so without further ado this is that interview. My epic journey to the other side.
Breathing in the Outworld air I coughed for it was cold and oppressive, thick with an otherworldly smell. It makes you appreciate the smell of mercy back on Earth. It took me a moment to find my bearings as funding is tight and Google maps doesn’t work out there. One of Shao Kahn’s emissaries granted me with a crude map to the tower which was where our interview was to take place. The man, clad in green, had funny eyes and bad breath. He didn’t talk much and he liked his sibilance. But there I was; finally heading in the right direction often seeing beings fighting for their lives. I tried to avert my eyes from the bloodshed but the place had an effect on me. There’s seems to be a parasitical anger that clings to your very soul. I thought to myself, “The Great Shao Kahn couldn’t live anywhere else.”
Stepping over the threshold I noticed I was also stepping over a severed hand. The hand was dressed in yellow material and the digits were clasped in a death grip around a rope… connected to a Kunai. I considered whether I was going to end up like this forelimb. But at that moment Mr. Kahn himself thundered down the stairs and embraced me in a bear hug. He offered his hope for my journey having been swift and safe and ushered me to his parlor.
Me: Well thanks for inviting me down here Shao Kahn, if there’s anything you’d like to say before we begin then please take this opportunity.
Shao Kahn: Boy, let me tell you why I chose Radio Control Plan…you guys have a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that makes me think you’ll do this band, I’m about to show you, justice in review.
Me: Ah the plot thickens! You brought me here to show me a band, well who are they?
Shao Kahn: Don’t sound so surprised that Shao Kahn has a taste in music, and I will tell you…all in due time.
Me: Alright well let’s get started. On the same trend what music do you get out here?
Shao Kahn: Hmm not much out here I have to hit an HMV when I’m terrorizing your fighters back on Earth. But your blog helps me keep in touch.
Me: You get internet out here?
Shao Kahn: Duh, where did you think 4chan came from?
Me: Figures. Did you hear your song that you inspired?
Shao Kahn: I did actually I was jealous of Reptile’s. That why I sent him to give you the map… out of spite. My shrink says I should be less bitter, but you’ve gotta stick to what works right?
Me: Exactly. <Sensing he’s going to speak again I wait.>
Shao Kahn: Look at the Mortal Kombat series it hasn’t changed for almost 20 years and it’s still as successful as it was. But yeah that Skrillex mix was far superior to mine. <a slave girl presses play on his ghetoblaster.>
Skrillex – Reptile
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Shao Kahn: Am I right?
Me: Tell me about this band Mr Kahn.
SK: Fine but you have to beat me in Mortal Combat first.
Me: With a ‘K’?
SK: Nope with a C’s fine.
To cut a long story short of avoiding him till he taunted me and then throwing fire balls over and over again, I won. His last words were, “They’re called the Rival Sons”. But I’m sure he’ll be back, they don’t stay dead for long these dudes. But then this happened…this is the actual footage from the event. A small stage curtain opened up and…
The gritty classic rock and roll riff with beastly vocals make this band one of the hottest I’ve seen in a while. I believe that they are going places. To top it all off this is one of their worse songs and that’s saying something. This is like the Dani California to the Stadium Arcadium album; the perfume on a woman’s neck. Now imagine having sex to this:
Did someone say Zeppelin? Who said it? Come on own up. Oh did I mention it’s not all just hard core rock…well sorta.
As I sit there on Shao Kahn’s stone cold chest with hands bloodied I forgo the tearful goodbye with the slave girls I’ve rescued because they’re already off with the Rival Sons. This is what we should expect from the next few years. The Sons taking what they want because they can, they are that kind of rock band.
John Lennon once said, “I don’t know which will go first – rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity.” I would like to amend this, “I don’t know which will go first – rock ‘n’ roll or Mortal Kombat.” They look like they’re both here to stay.
But I am off. I am not hanging around here anymore. The interview is almost certainly over as Kahn’s corpse lies motionless. On the way out the hand with the Kunai had gone, you see what I mean about them not staying dead for long. Just as I was about to step back into our world I heard a bitter yell, “I’LL GET YOU RADIO CONTROL PLAN!!!” We haven’t seen the last of Shao Kahn.
-Kookoocachoo
