As Barry White was to setting the mood, I am to killing it. Him the Walrus of love and me…the naked mole rat of cynicism. Let me set the scene, you’ve got a potential lover back at your place and you’re both jacked up on the pre-coitus energy. You excuse yourself to ‘powder your nose’ and slip into something more comfortable. You gel your ‘short ‘n’ curlies’ into a remarkable lookalike of Krusty the Clown. You wash the gel off and go outside hanging on the door frame suggestively for a moment and grin. Your lover blushes and turns their head down eager but nervous, cowering a little at you sexual prowess. You saunter over and tilt their head up bringing your lips quiveringly close. You whisper softly and gently, “Fire in the hole.” Clearly enamored by your advance you feel that your mate’s willingness will be ultimately secured by a bit of music. But this is where you falter; grasping the knob of your stereo you turn it like an evil henchman in a Bond movie and for the same reason. You’ve no idea what you’re doing!

Don’t worry I’m here to help

Here beggineth episode 1 of Sexy Times…

After all this is a music blog so let’s get down to the music. Today’s show is brought to you by Tyler the Creator:

So this music starts off with some good ol’ black guy mmms and ahs backed up by a curious loop in the background. As we all know the sexiest position is juxtaposition. The video consists of him eating a cockroach, throwing it up then killing himself, contrast that with some love making and you’ve got yourself a three minute sex extravaganza. But why Kookoocachoo would you say this was good to have sex to? Well just listen to it how hypnotic that grungy beat is. It’s got some naughty words in it which is always good but in all seriousness which girls wanna actually listen to ‘lollipop’ whilst in the act? You just need rhythm and mood both of which are set in this song. This is why I would highly recommend Yonkers to any courting couple.

Disclaimer: Do not leave this playing on repeat whilst in the after glow of coitus. Shit could get scary.

However you should not follow the same logic for all music considering this would then be a viable candidate:

After a lot of field research it’s concluded that Tay Zonday will do nothing to improve the mood. Zonday will become a hinderance on account of the dickless bastard being of confusing ethnicity and more hellish than Tyler could ever try to be. When I’m in hell I expect to be played this over and over again until my ears bleed. So since this is a precursor to oblivion I believe that neither you nor your lady/boy friend want to hear this while you escape the days ablutions. Don’t believe me? Well these are the lyrics from Tay Zonday’s new song. Yeah I know he’s still going wtfrite?

This is you…

Till the end of time…

This is you…

Haunting words.

I say don’t have sex to him however if somehow you find yourself in a situation where you are having sex to his music or even with him I pray for you. But reluctantly I say, as always, you be the judge.